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A Most Serious Affair

Posted by deepakmorris on November 4, 2016 at 3:50 PM

ACTOR: Well hello Mr. Producer, you wanted to see me?

PRODUCER: Yes hello. You are the actor who plays the lead role in “Kitty Parties” right?

ACTOR: That’s right. I play the long-suffering husbands who has to go to great lengths to –

PRODUCER: Yes, yes, that’s fine. But I’ve got a few complaints from viewers that your acting is insipid

ACTOR: What? That can’t be!

PRODUCER: I assure you, it is. I’m very close to the viewers. I have to take them seriously

ACTOR: But I always give it my best!

PRODUCER: Right, cry.

ACTOR: What?

PRODUCER: Cry

ACTOR: Why?

PRODUCER: You say you always give it your best. I want to see your best. So cry

ACTOR: Oh, so this is a screen test?

PRODUCER: Screen test, scream test, green test, we’ll be doing them all. Now cry

ACTOR: (Starts crying) Boo hoo hoo, My wife always spends so much money on her kitty parties… boo hoo… I have to work so hard to –

PRODUCER: Enough. Now laugh

ACTOR: Half?

PRODUCER: Laugh

ACTOR: Half laugh?

PRODUCER: Laugh!

ACTOR: (Starts laughing) Ha ha ha, my wife is so silly. I told her I’d been robbed and she believed me! Ha ha ha… now I won’t have to foot the bill for her stupid kitty parties

PRODUCER: Enough! Get frustrated

ACTOR: Arrrgghhhh… that wife of mine is driving me round the bend with her endless parties. Arrgh… one of these days I’m going to –

PRODUCER: Beg

ACTOR: Beg pardon?

PRODUCER: No pardon, just beg

ACTOR: Please… please dear, don’t host your kitty party here… please my love, it throws everything out of gear – hey, that rhymed!

PRODUCER: Yes, yes, you’re a poet, don’t I know it. Mime!

ACTOR: Yours?

PRODUCER: Mine? My what?

ACTOR: I don’t know, you said mine

PRODUCER: No I said mime

ACTOR: Oh, okay. Shall I do “trapped in a glass cube”?

PRODUCER: That’s fine, just mime

(Actor mimes “trapped in a glass cube”)

PRODUCER: Hmmm

ACTOR: Didn’t like it? I’ll do more! Shall I do walking against a stiff breeze? Climbing a ladder?

PRODUCER: No, no, no. I’m afraid it just won’t do. Your acting is worthless. I’m pulling “Kitty Parties” off the air

ACTOR: But… but… it’s such a great serial!

PRODUCER: Yes but haven’t you heard? I’m the serial killer!

 

Categories: script, theatre, performance

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